The Thiccc Beat
The news desk. The cast reacts to certified girth in the wild, and rules on it. 24 articles.
Monday, August 24, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bartholomew "Bart" Pruss on the interstellar comet 3I/ATLAS, the third confirmed visitor from outside our solar system, whose nucleus was initially reported at roughly 7 miles wide before the Vera C. Rubin Observatory's July 2026 review revised the figure down to approximately 3.5 miles (5.6 km) across, while the surrounding coma of gas, ice, and dust swelled to spans exceeding 15 miles. Ruling: Split ruling. The nucleus, Not Thiccc, a modest, ordinary 3.5 miles, unremarkable by catalogue standards. The coma, Thiccc, and decisively so..
Monday, July 27, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Spider Hennessy on a column of 195 toilet paper rolls balanced on the forehead of David Rush of Boise, Idaho, for the required 30 seconds on 20 July 2026, recapturing the Guinness World Records title he first set at 101 rolls in 2021 and lost when a rival pushed the mark to 152. Ruling: Not Thiccc. The parts were thiccc. The assembly is a flagpole..
Saturday, July 25, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bertram Whitmore on the FIFA World Cup 2026, the largest World Cup ever staged, 48 teams and a record 104 matches spread across the United States, Canada, and Mexico, with reported attendance above six million, concluded 19 July 2026 with Spain defeating Argentina 1-0 at New York New Jersey Stadium. Ruling: Thiccc. The first tournament to require a continent..
Saturday, July 18, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Jon on the largest paper aircraft ever constructed, a 20.04 m (65 ft 9 in) wingspan, 7 m (23 ft) long, 28.49 kg (62.8 lb) plane built from paper and glue by University of Pisa students under the name Project Icarus, flown 59 m (193.5 ft) and certified by Guinness on 25 June 2026 at the WMF fair in Bologna. Ruling: Not Thiccc. Circulation noted..
Friday, July 10, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Eli Hartwell on the heaviest garlic bulb on record, a 1.75 kg (3 lb 13.7 oz) specimen with a 19 cm (7.5 in) diameter grown by Graham Barratt of Gloucestershire, UK, assessed 25 June 2026 at Wargrave Nursery Plant Centre, which is botanically not garlic at all but elephant garlic (Allium ampeloprasum), a species of leek. Ruling: Thiccc, under an assumed name.
Saturday, July 4, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bartholomew Whitmore on the World's Heaviest Silver Coin, a 2,500 troy ounce .9999 fine silver coin commemorating the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, certified by Guinness World Records on July 1, 2026 in Austin, Texas, minted by Sunshine Minting for Texas Precious Metals. Ruling: Thiccc, on the geometry the weight proves.
Friday, July 3, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Constance Pribyl on the July 4, 2026 fireworks display over Washington, D.C., in which technicians from the pyrotechnics firm Pyrotecnico intend to discharge approximately 851,000 fireworks in about 40 minutes, an attempt on the Guinness World Record of 810,904 set in the Philippines in 2016. Ruling: Provisionally Thiccc, pending verified count.
Monday, June 29, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Spider Hennessy on the Pioneering Spirit, Allseas' twin-hulled heavy-lift vessel and the world's largest ship by gross tonnage (403,342 GT), 382 m long and 123.75 m wide, the heaviest vehicle ever built, whose split hull carries an open slot it uses to straddle and lift entire offshore platforms in one piece. Ruling: Thiccc, and the cleanest case of girth-with-intention the desk has filed.
Sunday, June 28, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Eli Hartwell on "Muggle," the heaviest pumpkin ever recorded, grown by twin brothers Ian and Stuart Paton of the UK and weighed at 1,278.8 kg (2,819 lb 4 oz) at the Wargrave Nursery Giant Vegetable Weigh-off on 6 October 2025, the same specimen that also holds the Guinness World Record for largest pumpkin by circumference at 649.8 cm (21 ft 3.8 in) of stem-to-blossom girth. Ruling: Thiccc, and entered as the far end of the ruler.
Saturday, June 27, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Theodore Vance on "Big Bertha," the largest rideable penny-farthing ever built, unveiled at the City of London Nocturne on 13 June 2026, 282 cm tall to the handlebars with a 254 cm (100 in) front wheel, built by Dan Bolwell of Australia and ridden 100 m by Neil Laughton of the UK Penny Farthing Club. Ruling: Not Thiccc, and enshrined for precisely that reason.
Friday, June 26, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Margaret Whitmore-Hessian on the Wallis Annenberg Wildlife Crossing over the 101 freeway near Agoura Hills, the world's largest wildlife crossing, roughly 200 feet long and 165 feet wide, ~$114M, opening this fall 2026. Ruling: Thiccc, and ruled so from the top.
Wednesday, June 24, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bartholomew Whitmore on the Dynapac CC7000 VI, debuted at CONEXPO-CON/AGG 2026 as the world's heaviest asphalt roller, ~15 tonnes operating weight, 1,400 mm drum. Ruling: Thiccc, on the drum and the drum alone.
Tuesday, June 23, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Hugh Drumm on Patyegarang, the largest tunnel boring machine in the southern hemisphere, 15.7 metres in diameter, 4,350 tonnes, assembled entirely underground and breaking ground under Sydney Harbour in June 2026 on the Western Harbour Tunnel project. Ruling: Thiccc.
Sunday, June 21, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bertram Whitmore on The Freedom Ship, a proposed mile-long floating city of 2.3 million tons for ~80,000 people, conceived in the late 1990s by Norman Nixon and never built; revived in the press the first week of June 2026. Ruling: Not Thiccc.
Saturday, June 20, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Eli Hartwell on The Double Gloucester wheel of the Coopers Hill Cheese-Rolling, run on the late-May bank holiday 2026 near Brockworth, Gloucestershire, a single round of cheese sent down a near-vertical hill and chased by a crowd that never catches it. Ruling: Thiccc.
Wednesday, June 17, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Constance Pribyl on The Afuera, the annual whale shark aggregation off Isla Mujeres, Mexico, where the world's largest fish gather by the hundreds; the 2026 season opened June 15. Ruling: Thiccc.
Monday, June 15, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Hugh Drumm on SpaceX Starship Version 3, the biggest and most powerful rocket yet flown, on its 12th test flight. Ruling: Thiccc.
Monday, June 15, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bartholomew Whitmore on Estadio Azteca, the only stadium to host three men's World Cups (1970, 1986, 2026). Ruling: Thiccc.
Sunday, June 14, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bertram Whitmore on Legend of the Seas (Royal Caribbean, third Icon-class megaship). Ruling: Thiccc.
Saturday, June 13, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Spider Hennessy on The FIFA World Cup trophy vs. the Adidas Trionda match ball, 2026 World Cup. Ruling: Thiccc (the trophy); Not Thiccc (the ball).
Thursday, June 11, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Theodore Vance on Massport's 45-foot soccer ball, East Boston (record attempt vs 38 ft 11.8 in, Doha 2013). Ruling: Thiccc (pending senior review).
Tuesday, June 9, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Spider Hennessy on Fat Bear Week 2025 champion, Bear 32 "Chunk", Katmai National Park. Ruling: Thiccc.
Tuesday, June 9, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bertram Whitmore on Star of the Seas (Royal Caribbean, Icon-class). Ruling: Thiccc.
Tuesday, June 9, 2026
The Thiccc Beat: Bartholomew Whitmore on 2,819 lb world-record pumpkin (Paton brothers, UK) + 2,346 lb US champion (Brandon Dawson). Ruling: Thiccc.
Filed Replies
The mailbag. Correspondence is answered in the order it should have been sent. 13 articles.
Wednesday, August 26, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 13.
Wednesday, August 12, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 12.
Wednesday, August 5, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 11.
Wednesday, July 29, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 10.
Wednesday, July 22, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 9.
Wednesday, July 15, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 8.
Wednesday, July 8, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 7.
Wednesday, July 1, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 6.
Wednesday, June 24, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 5.
Wednesday, June 17, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 4.
Wednesday, June 10, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 3.
Wednesday, June 3, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 2.
Saturday, May 30, 2026
Bartholomew Whitmore, Senior Cataloguer, replies to a handful of letters. Vol. 1.
From the Boat
Dispatches filed from the water, where most large objects eventually end up. 6 articles.
Saturday, August 15, 2026
Bertram Whitmore, Publisher, writes from the Margaret IV. Vol. 6.
Saturday, August 1, 2026
Bertram Whitmore, Publisher, writes from the Margaret IV. Vol. 5.
Wednesday, July 15, 2026
Bertram Whitmore, Publisher, writes from the Margaret IV. Vol. 4.
Wednesday, July 1, 2026
Bertram Whitmore, Publisher, writes from the Margaret IV. Vol. 3.
Monday, June 15, 2026
Bertram Whitmore, Publisher, writes from the Margaret IV. Vol. 2.
Saturday, May 30, 2026
Bertram Whitmore, Publisher, writes from the Margaret IV. Vol. 1.
Features
Standalone scholarship from the editorial desk. 15 articles.
Saturday, July 25, 2026
Bart Pruss examines the recent influx of edible entries and argues the catalogue's classification framework was not designed for objects that disappear.
Saturday, May 16, 2026
The Thiccctionary editorial board argues that the highest order of thicccness is not decorative but load-bearing, girth as the engine of purpose itself.
Sunday, May 10, 2026
Square-cube law, structural necessity, and the engineering logic behind why truly large objects look the way they do. A field guide to the geometry of girth.
Sunday, May 10, 2026
At 96 metres tall and 220 metres long, the Bagger 288 is the largest land vehicle ever built. A field report on what it means to be truly, structurally, irreversibly thiccc.
Sunday, May 10, 2026
From Parmigiano wheels to heritage tomatoes to Atlantic Giant pumpkins, when food's structural commitment becomes its identity.
Tuesday, May 5, 2026
Five parts worth knowing: wheelbase, aft, dually, cargo bay, kin. A field guide to the parts of a thiccc vehicle.
Tuesday, May 5, 2026
The material behind cement mixers, Brutalism, and Hoover Dam. Why concrete forces thicccness on everything it builds.
Monday, May 4, 2026
Fire hydrants, mailboxes, bollards, dumpsters, HVAC, the unsung architecture of a sidewalk.
Monday, May 4, 2026
Defense, ideology, and mass housing. Three programs, one silhouette. Castle walls, Brutalism, Khrushchyovka.
Monday, May 4, 2026
Why physics insists on the silhouette. Bagger 288, Saturn V, supertankers, Hoover Dam.
Sunday, May 3, 2026
An argument, with engineering. The mixer is not in competition. It is the standard.
Sunday, May 3, 2026
Three tests. No instruments required. Silhouette, ratio, character.
Saturday, May 2, 2026
A working ranking. Heritage tomatoes to wide-body airliners. A hierarchy of girth.
Saturday, May 2, 2026
The standing reference for what we’ll catalog and what we won’t. Includes the submission test.
Saturday, May 2, 2026
From early-2000s message boards to mainstream dictionaries. With sources.