Filed Replies, Vol. 1
From D. Okafor, Birmingham:
I submitted a photo of my grandmother's armchair three weeks ago and received no acknowledgment. The cushions are visibly compressed to a depth of approximately four inches. Does this qualify as thiccc?
Compression depth is not a girth criterion; it is evidence of use, which is a separate column entirely and one we have not maintained since Reginald reorganized the intake forms before departing for Jaipur, December, by my records, which puts us at roughly six months without a third reviewer. The armchair itself may well qualify, but I want dimensions of the frame, not the cushion's grief. Resubmit with a tape measure and a neutral expression.
From P. Stanhope, Cork:
Is a river delta eligible for submission? It spreads considerably.
Spreading is not girth; spreading is ambition, and ambition is a temperament, not a measurement. I will note for the record that the Mississippi Delta was submitted in 2019 by a T. Brannigan of New Orleans and was rejected on the grounds that the catalogue concerns *objects*, not *landmasses that have achieved a mood*. That rejection is filed in the green cabinet, third drawer, which Teddy has apparently been using as a footrest. Reginald's absence continues to have consequences.
From M. Farquhar, Glasgow:
I notice the coffee machine in your office has been broken since March. I visited on Tuesday for a site consultation and was offered tap water from what appeared to be a measuring jug. This seems beneath the dignity of a senior publication.
The coffee machine, a Breville BES870, catalogued under Office Equipment as an item of notable chassis, went offline on March 4th after Spider submitted an expense report claiming sixty-three pounds for "descaling materials" that no one witnessed him purchase or apply. Facilities will not authorize a repair until the expense report is resolved, and Spider has not resolved the expense report because Spider does not feel that he should have to. I filed a formal complaint to the records desk on April 7th and again on May 2nd. The measuring jug is clean.
From O. Pelletier, Montréal:
The European Union has proposed new trade tariffs on imported goods exceeding certain dimensional thresholds. As a cataloguing body, do you have a position?
A tariff threshold based on physical dimension is, structurally, a girth criterion, and an enforceable one, which puts Brussels approximately seventeen years ahead of our own submissions committee. I want to be careful here because I have strong feelings about external bodies applying girth criteria without a style guide, and the EU's methodology document runs to four hundred and twelve pages, which is either thorough or a symptom. What I will say is this: if a member state begins rejecting goods for insufficient heft, they should be aware that we have been doing this since 2009, we have a style guide, and they are welcome to cite it. We do not require attribution but we do appreciate it.
From C. Nwosu, Lagos:
Your 1996 Buick entry lists curb weight as the primary qualifier. My 2004 Ford Excursion has a higher curb weight and no entry. This appears to be an oversight.
It is not an oversight. The 1996 Buick entry, specifically the Roadmaster Estate Wagon, catalogued under Vehicles, Domestic, American, Sub-category: Boats That Learned to Drive, qualified on a combination of curb weight, profile silhouette, and what our founder called "the overall impression of a thing that will not be moved." The 2004 Ford Excursion has the weight, I grant you, but it has the silhouette of a filing cabinet that took a confidence seminar, and confidence seminar energy disqualifies more submissions than people realize. File an appeal to the records desk. Teddy will lose it, but file one anyway.