Vol. I  ·  Iss. 040  ·  Friday, May 30, 2026 Est. MMXXVI  ·  A Daily Reference

The Thiccctionary

n.  the editorial board, listed in order of seniority

← About

The Editorial Board

The people who maintain the catalogue, file the objections, and answer the letters. Most do not pick up the telephone.

Bertram Whitmore

Bertram Whitmore, Founder and Publisher, late-70s, navy blazer and cravat, aboard the Margaret IV

Founder & Publisher

Founded the enterprise in 1974, ostensibly from a Manhattan office that rented for sixty-two dollars a month, fully serviced. Has not visited the offices since 1991. Currently aboard the Margaret IV, latitude undisclosed. Drafts memos on a typewriter, sends them by post. Believes the publication peaked in 1986.

Column · From the Boat (irregular)

Bartholomew Whitmore

Bartholomew Whitmore, Editor-in-Chief, mid-70s, navy three-piece suit with bow tie

Editor-in-Chief · Senior Cataloguer

Hired by Bertram in 1978 to catalog ships. Wrote the original style guide. Divorced in 2003 over a dispute about a credenza; the credenza is in his office now. Secretly proud of his 1991 Liebherr T 282B entry. Hates being called Bart. Will never admit he likes Teddy.

Read his Style Guide → · PDF ↓

Column · Filed Replies (Mailbag, weekly)

Constance Pribyl

Constance Pribyl, Director of Editorial Operations, mid-50s, navy blazer at her wood-paneled office desk

Director of Editorial Operations

Hired by Bertram in 2003, by post, to modernize the publication's editorial operations. Has not modernized them. Maintains a cheerful demeanor about it. Refers to grievances as concerns, refusals as parking lot items, and disputes as opportunities to align. Has been promising a Q3 review of the coffee machine since 2018.

Maintains · The Personnel File

Eliza Hartwell

Eliza Hartwell, Staff Writer, 24, dark hair and charcoal sweater at her fourth-floor walk-up

Staff Writer

Twenty-four. Came up from a town smaller than the readership. The only one in the office who actually finishes her work. Counts as a coping mechanism; the subject rotates. Lives in a fourth-floor walk-up.

Column · Field Notes (lists, weekly)

Theodore (“Teddy”)

Theodore, Junior Cataloguer, wire-rim glasses and sweater vest in a wood-paneled office

Junior Cataloguer

Twenty-four. Recent graduate, philosophy minor. Genuinely believes the catalogue has importance and will defend it at dinner parties. Multiple ongoing obsessions: Roman aqueducts, Liberty Ships, the Saturn V, the Erie Canal locks. Writes entries twice as long as needed. Does not drink.

Column · Latinate Footnotes (occasional)

Margaret (“Margie”) Whitmore-Reuss

Margaret Whitmore-Reuss, Society Correspondent, late-30s with auburn hair and silk scarf at a grand hotel cafe

Society Correspondent

Bertram's brother's daughter. Does not maintain a permanent address; files from wherever she happens to be. Briefly married to a viscount, 2011 to 2012; would rather not discuss it. Strong opinions about cheese. Wears a scarf in every season including July.

Column · The Margie Column (when she returns calls)

Spider Hennessy

Spider Hennessy, Foreign Correspondent, obscured figure in fedora and trench coat at a European train station

Foreign Correspondent · nom de plume

“Spider Hennessy” is the byline; the legal name is not on file. Files dispatches from rotating cities, datelined with the local hour (JAIPUR, 0530). No one at the office has met him. His expense reports arrive on time, correctly formatted, postmarked from a different city than the dispatch. The arrangement works.

Column · Spider Dispatches (one paragraph, irregular)

Hugh Drumm

Hugh Drumm, Field Correspondent, late-30s, olive field shirt with a Leica camera

Field Correspondent & Voiceover

Files telephone reports from industrial sites, refinery catwalks, and the occasional smokestack platform. Records audio when in town. Speaks slowly. Has been described as “documentary register, never winks.” Maintains a green field jacket and a working rotary handset.

Field reporting (irregular) · Voiceover (daily) · Cartoons (occasional)

The Margaret IV remains at sea. The Senior Cataloguer remains at his desk.