The Thiccctionary

The undersigned has observed that the recently mandated submission portal requires all editorial staff to authenticate their identity through a Google account before accessing materials that were, until Thursday, accessible via a bookmark. The undersigned does not possess a Google account, has no intention of possessing one, and notes that the Style Guide, Section 4, paragraph 2, specifies that third-party credential systems shall not be required for core cataloguing functions. The undersigned further observes that the IT helpdesk's suggested remedy, which was to "just make a quick Gmail," is not a remedy but an imposition, and has been documented accordingly.

The undersigned has observed, on fourteen separate occasions since the March retrofit, that the overhead motion-sensor light in the editorial office extinguishes itself after approximately four minutes of the undersigned's seated, stationary reading, a posture the sensor apparently classifies as absence. The undersigned wishes to register that sustained, concentrated reading is, in fact, work, and that work performed without adequate illumination constitutes a documented occupational hazard. The undersigned further notes that waving one arm at the ceiling every four minutes is not a practice endorsed by the Style Guide, nor by any standard of professional decorum the undersigned is willing to accept. Facilities was notified in April and responded with a link to a wellness article about natural light.

The undersigned received, on the morning of 28 May, an automated electronic communication bearing the subject line "We are SO glad you are here!" and containing a graphic of a confetti cannon. The undersigned has been here since 2007 and requires no institutional confirmation of this fact, least of all from a platform called Bonusly. The message invited the undersigned to "share a memory" in a designated text field, which the undersigned has declined to do; nineteen years of service constitute a record, not a memoir prompt. The undersigned requests that his profile be removed from whatever employee-recognition integration has been licensed without consultation.

The undersigned has, in the course of reviewing recent submissions, observed three (3) instances in which the catalogue's methodology memo of 1999 was cited in support of a position the memo expressly does not endorse. The memo, in Section IV, addresses the operational definition of girth-by-volume; it does not, and never has, ratified girth-by-mere-largeness, which is a separate and inferior framing. The undersigned has filed prior objections on this matter under Grievance No. 22 and again under Grievance No. 38, both of which remain open. The undersigned requests that the records desk be reminded, in writing, of the distinction.

The undersigned reports, for the seventh occasion since February, an audible mechanical irregularity emanating from the duct above the Style Guide cabinet. The irregularity occurs at intervals of approximately eleven minutes, lasts between four and seven seconds, and resembles, to the best of the undersigned's ability to describe, "a small dog clearing its throat behind a wall." The undersigned has reported the matter to Facilities by interoffice envelope on each occasion. The undersigned has received no reply. The undersigned has begun timing the intervals on a wristwatch and filing the data. Three weeks of data are now on file.

The undersigned has, with patience, permitted the Junior Cataloguer's enthusiasm for Latin etymology to occupy a column on the back page. The undersigned now reports that the footnotes in the column have begun, in three (3) consecutive issues, to exceed the body text in length. In one (1) case, footnote 14 contained its own footnote 14a. The undersigned does not object to scholarship, having pursued some of his own; the undersigned does object to footnotes that have descendants. The undersigned requests that the column's word count include footnote text going forward. The matter is filed for the record. The Junior Cataloguer is otherwise to be left in peace.

The undersigned has been informed, by a memorandum left on his desk and signed only with an initial, that the ficus in the lobby has been "rebranded" as the catalogue's "office mascot." The undersigned objects to this on three grounds. First, a houseplant is not, by any defensible reading, a Subject (see Style Guide, Section II.1). Second, the catalogue has no mascot, has never had a mascot, and the editorial position on mascots, last expressed in 2001, was unambiguous. Third, the ficus is not even thiccc. The undersigned requests that the memorandum be retracted and the ficus returned to its previous status as a plant.

The overhead lights in the editorial office have been installed with a motion sensor. The motion sensor does not register the act of reading. The undersigned has, on three occasions this month, been required to wave at the ceiling to restore illumination. The undersigned recommends a switch.

The coffee machine has been inoperative since March. The undersigned has filed three prior objections (Nos. 31, 38, 44) regarding the same. The undersigned does not require coffee but maintains that a publication that cannot brew coffee cannot reasonably claim to be in continuous operation. Recommend replacement.

The undersigned has now received the Saturn V brief from the Junior Cataloguer for the seventeenth time. Each refiling has added approximately forty pages of new citations. The undersigned proposes that the Junior Cataloguer be asked to consider other subjects. The Senior Cataloguer has filed his own objection (No. 34) and considers the matter closed.

The undersigned reiterates the position taken in the Submissions Freeze Proposal of 2014. The intake volume has not decreased. The proportion of eligible submissions has. The undersigned recommends, at minimum, that the form be moved to a separate URL with no link from the main page.

Refiling. The machine remains inoperative. Two months have passed since the last response.

The undersigned has been informed, by a third party, that the publication now maintains a Slack workspace. The undersigned was not consulted in the matter. The undersigned has not joined the workspace and does not propose to. The undersigned notes that the publication’s primary means of internal communication, the memorandum, has functioned without interruption since 1974 and requires no software.

The current confirmation email reads: 'Thanks so much for your submission! We can't wait to see what you've sent us!' This is not the voice of the publication. The undersigned recommends, at minimum, removing the exclamation points.

A potted ficus has been placed on the file cabinet adjacent to the undersigned's desk. The undersigned did not consent to its placement, was not consulted, and observes that the cabinet contains active editorial files which the plant's watering schedule places at unnecessary risk. Recommend removal.

The undersigned has received a calendar invitation, marked ‘optional,’ for a team-building lunch on the fourteenth. The undersigned is opposed in principle. The undersigned does not require lunch and does not build teams. The undersigned proposes that the budget be redirected to the rebinding of the 1986 archive volumes, which are showing wear.

The undersigned has observed that a memo bearing the publication's letterhead, dated 12 August, refers to a 'team huddle.' The publication does not huddle. The publication files, reviews, and publishes. The undersigned requests that the term be retired.