n. a member of the editorial board
The editorial board
Senior Cataloguer
Rules on every entry. Admits things grudgingly.
Hired by Bertram in 1978 to catalog ships. Wrote the original style guide. Divorced in 2003 over a dispute about a credenza; the credenza is in his office now. Secretly proud of his 1991 Liebherr T 282B entry. Hates being called Bart. Will never admit he likes Teddy.
Read his Style Guide → · PDF ↓
Column · Filed Replies (Mailbag, weekly)
Every entry passes through Bart. These are his most recent rulings, in his words.
Cast Iron Cauldron Oct 26, 2026 ADMITTED UNDER PROTEST
The belly expands below the rim, peaks, and then tapers, as if it considered restraint briefly and filed it away. That is not a design choice. That is a conviction. Admitted.
Ukulele Oct 25, 2026 PROVISIONAL
The waist-to-lower-bout ratio is not an architectural decision. It is a documented proportion. Admitted pending confirmation the machete was narrower.
Cookie Jar Oct 24, 2026 ADMITTED
Broad in the body, full to the shoulders, and she does not apologize for it. The Dutch got here first and the jar backs them up.
Jack-o'-Lantern Oct 23, 2026 PROVISIONAL
The uncarved posterior is described as retaining the full, unedited silhouette. Pending confirmation the dolly was load-bearing and not decorative.
Jumbo Shrimp Oct 22, 2026 PROVISIONAL
The filer wrote 'load-bearing modifier.' The style guide does not catalog grammar. Confirm the tail arc occupies a full quadrant. Then admitted.
Pierogi Oct 21, 2026 ADMITTED UNDER PROTEST
The filled profile and strained seam are documented and sufficient. The butter pool is atmospheric detail and will not be treated as a structural measurement.
Sousaphone Oct 20, 2026 ADMITTED, WITH A FOOTNOTE
The bell faces forward. It does not face sideways, upward, or away. It faces forward. Footnote: Sousa commissioned this. He knew.
Round-Bottom Flask Oct 19, 2026 ADMITTED
The base is a complete sphere. Glass does not negotiate. Admitted.
Grapefruit Oct 18, 2026 ADMITTED, WITH A FOOTNOTE
The equatorial circumference presents without interruption and earns its place. The footnote: 'enjoyment, produce' is in the etymology and I am not addressing it.
Airbus Beluga Oct 17, 2026 ADMITTED ON APPEAL
The dorsal bulge is real, documentable, and frankly unarguable. The whale naming itself earns nothing. Margie overruled me. The file reflects my position.
Peach Oct 16, 2026 ADMITTED
The filer called it a cleft posterior. The correct term is suture. The suture deepens to a crease at full season. Admitted.
Matryoshka Doll Oct 15, 2026 ADMITTED, WITH A FOOTNOTE
I once admitted a set of graduated mixing bowls on concavity alone. These are convex, nested, and attested to 1890. Worse precedent. Admitted.
Volkswagen Beetle Oct 14, 2026 ADMITTED UNDER PROTEST
The continuously curved roofline produces a closed oval with no interruption. I cannot find a break in it. Admitted.
Porsche 911 Oct 13, 2026 ADMITTED
Peugeot contested the name. Nobody has ever contested the back end. Admitted.
Croissant Oct 12, 2026 PROVISIONAL
Eleven visible strata and a domed midsection meet the threshold. The taper at both ends does not. Pending cross-section confirmation.
And 135 more, on the entries themselves.
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