Filed Replies, Vol. 21
From T. Okonkwo, Baltimore:
I would like to submit the Fiat 500 for catalogue consideration. Specifically, I mean the rear elevation. I feel strongly that this vehicle has been overlooked.
It has not been overlooked. I have the 1996 Buick Century entry in the drawer to my left as a reminder of what overlooking costs a catalogue. The Fiat 500, rear elevation, is a documented matter: the haunches begin at the C-pillar and do not stop until the bumper makes them stop. Everything she carries is in the back. The roofline drops into those quarters like it had no choice, which, under the Silhouette Test (Amendment 1991-08, /about/documents/amendment-1991-08/), is precisely the criterion. Submission accepted; Teddy has been asked to file it under COMPACT, EUROPEAN, REAR-DOMINANT, once he surfaces from the Saturn V brief.
From P. Delacroix, New Orleans:
The Thiccctionary rejected my submission of a stack of eight buttermilk pancakes. The rejection notice said "volume, not architecture." I want to appeal. A stack of eight pancakes has a waist.
It does, and I owe you a cleaner rejection letter. "Volume, not architecture" was Constance's language, lifted from a memo she wrote about the storage credenza situation, and it does not belong in a ruling. What belongs in a ruling is this: a stack of eight buttermilk pancakes, properly photographed from the side, presents a classic mid-register cinch, the stack widening at the base and crown while the middle courses compress under the weight of their neighbors. That is a waist. That is curves documented in a grain-and-dairy medium. Objection to the original rejection filed with the records desk; submission elevated to REVIEW, STACKED, BREAKFAST DIVISION, pending a photograph with something for scale, a Swingline 747 stapler is traditional.
From R. Featherstone, Bristol, UK:
The Goodyear Blimp NT (new technology model) is currently on a European tour and was photographed over Zurich last week. I submit it for the catalogue. It is, and I say this with confidence, extremely thiccc.
Mr. Featherstone's confidence is noted but his methodology requires adjustment, which is the same thing I said to Spider Hennessy's last three dispatches. Large is not thiccc. A weather balloon is large. What we need from the Goodyear Blimp NT is the silhouette in cross-section, and when I pulled the manufacturer's spec drawing, which I keep in the file cabinet between the Hindenburg cross-reference (CLOSED, HISTORICAL, NON-FRIVOLOUS) and the 2009 Atlantic Giant Decision, I found what I was looking for: the NT envelope is not cylindrical, it is lenticular, widest at a point roughly forty percent back from the nose, then tapering aft with real commitment. That is a body with opinions about where it keeps things. Submission accepted conditionally; ruling to be confirmed upon receipt of a lateral photograph, not a three-quarter glamour shot, those are for press releases, not catalogues.
From W. Summerfield, Toronto:
The coffee machine in your office has been broken since at least March. I follow this publication closely enough to know this. Is there a timeline for repair?
There is a timeline in the same sense that there is a timeline for the Saturn V brief: it exists as a concept, it is referenced in meetings, and it has not moved. Constance promised a Q3 2018 review of the coffee machine situation; we are now, by my count, thirty-three quarters past that deadline. I filed Grievance 14 with the Personnel File in February of this year, specifying that the machine produces a sound on startup that I can only describe as the sound a 1996 Buick Century makes when it knows something is wrong but has decided not to address it. The response from Constance, dated six weeks later, opened with "Hi Bart!" and used the phrase "parking lot this for Q1" without specifying Q1 of which year. Bertram has been notified by post, addressed to the Margaret IV. The coffee machine remains in its current condition. Eli manages.
From C. Mbeki, Cape Town:
A pear. I am submitting a pear. The Bosc pear. From the side, you know what it looks like. Please rule.
I know exactly what it looks like, and I am frankly tired that it has taken twenty-one volumes of this publication for someone to file this submission in writing. The Bosc pear, lateral elevation: narrow at the shoulder, a long neck that keeps its own counsel, and then, beginning just above the midpoint, a decision is made. The lower half does not apologize for the upper half. It simply is what it is, which is considerably more than the upper half, distributed low and wide and arrived at gradually, which is the whole point of the Silhouette Test. All of it is in the bottom half; the top half is merely the introduction. Submission accepted; catalogued under PRODUCE, POME-ADJACENT, BOTTOM-HEAVY, AS FILED; cross-referenced with the 1974 Founding Charter's original definition of thiccc as "a form that commits," which the Bosc pear does, fully and without hesitation.