The Largest All-Hands Nobody Filed For
Constance Pribyl, Director of Editorial Operations · editorial operations / standards, filings, and head-counts
THE THICCC BEAT: the desk reacts. The Director of Editorial Operations reviews the matter the way she reviews everything: as a filing, with a head-count.
It has been brought to my attention that as of the fifteenth of this month, several hundred of the largest fish on Earth convened in open water off the Yucatan and did not submit so much as a calendar hold. They call the spot the Afuera, which means "the outside," which is also where this office sends paperwork that arrives without a cover sheet. I will be reviewing the gathering on its merits regardless, because mass is mass, and this desk does not require the mass to apologize for showing up.
The facts, as I have filed them. The whale shark is the largest fish that exists, full stop, a creature that runs to the length of a school bus and prefers to be measured in tons. Each summer, beginning around mid-June and running into September, they assemble in the waters between Isla Mujeres, Contoy, and Holbox to feed on tuna spawn at the surface. Surveys by Mexican research institutions put attendance somewhere between two hundred and eight hundred individuals at peak. The largest count on record, taken in a single 2009 survey, exceeded four hundred and twenty. I have processed smaller departments.
What this desk respects is the arithmetic of it. One whale shark is a large fish. Four hundred whale sharks, idling shoulder to shoulder and vacuuming the surface in unison, is not four hundred large fish. It is a single phenomenon with a quorum. The mass does not merely accumulate. It coordinates. Every individual present is thiccc by itself, and then they had the audacity to gather, which is the part the catalogue was built to record.
I will note, for the file, that no agenda was circulated, no minutes were kept, and not one attendee remained for the cleanup. By the standards of this office these are firing offenses. By the standards of the word, they are immaterial. The animals brought the only thing the catalogue actually checks for, and they brought it in quantity.
The ruling: Thiccc. Filed under Creatures of Substantial Mass, Marine Division. The catalogue holds that when the largest of a kind shows up in the hundreds and the water has to make room, the word is earned on contact. The meeting stands. It just won't be minuted.
Constance Pribyl, Director of Editorial Operations, who would like a cover sheet next year.
Source: www.zubludiving.com/articles/zublu-insights/isla-mujeres-mex