Entry · Tuesday, May 5, 2026
Watermelon
/WAW-ter-mel-un/ n.- 1. A cucurbit fruit of the species Citrullus lanatus, notable for a rind-to-flesh ratio that strongly favors the flesh, and a silhouette, viewed in profile on a white counter, that reads less as produce and more as a load-bearing decision.
- 2. colloq. Wide at the equator and wide all the way through. She sits flat because she sits flat. That is not a compromise. That is a position.
"The Whole Foods produce section had one thiccc watermelon left, centered on the bottom shelf like it had been placed there by a structural engineer. Nobody moved it. They just bought things around it."
From Dutch watermeloen, from water + meloen (melon), itself from Latin melopepo, from Greek melopepon, meaning 'apple-gourd.' First cultivated in northeastern Africa, where the Nile Valley apparently had the good sense to grow something with real presence. The Greeks named it after an apple. The Greeks were not ready.
Filed by
My personal shopper in Milan once refused a watermelon on the grounds that it would embarrass the tote bag.
Ruling ADMITTED
Objection to 'load-bearing decision' on grounds of imprecision. Overruled. The silhouette on the counter is documented. The phrase stands.
In the margin
The Greeks named something with this profile after an apple. The Greeks looked directly at a watermelon and said 'yes, apple.' That is a civilization in denial.
Also received REJECTED
Submitted: a celery stalk. After today's entry, the celery stalk deserves recognition as the watermelon's structural opposite, which is still a category.
It is a celery stalk. The catalogue documents presence. This is absence. Rejected.